I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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