come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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