I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
