My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
