You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
