Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
