my phone needs a breathalizer
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
