maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
