Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my shit smells like andre
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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