It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
