i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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