this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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