i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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