Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
