1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Your face is a jimmy john
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
