The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
