mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
