HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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