Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Everclear isn't food dammit
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
