I love black thongs
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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