I want to make a zoo with you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
