so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
