I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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