piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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