:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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