Only a mothe r could love this liver
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
