Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
