Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
