It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
