Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Boobs are out for the taking
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
