I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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