I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
