I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
