I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
