he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Randomize
