this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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