I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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