I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
