How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
