I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
