wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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