I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
