Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
