What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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