And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
