so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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