I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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