She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
