Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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