It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
